March 2, 2011, 1:40 AM
Things That Will Probably Be on the iPad 3
Getty Images/Justin Sullivan
• One side will have a series of plastic teeth allowing you to comb your hair.
• Rear spoiler.
• Instead of being 9.6-by-7.5 inches, it's going to be 4.5-by-2.4 inches and come with telephone capabilities.
• Pre-drilled sex hole.
• Comes with its own protective scarf and a shirt that is one size too small.
• First major software update will finally open up direct portal into John Malkovich's head.
• Supports USB, FireWire, Thunderbolt, VGA, and Cold War-era Soviet knobs.
• The inside of every case will be personally signed by the floor manager of the Shenzhen factory where it's made.
• A backwards-facing screen, to be able to teleconference with somebody directly in front of you.
• Preloaded with a thesaurus for the word "amazing."
• Ditto "magic."
• Language support for Aramaic.
• While in sleep mode, it dreams.
• A new, scratch-resistant, glare-resistant, waterproof, bulletproof screen. So other people can't intrude on your work, it's also completely opaque.
• Makes a single, deliberate, ever-satisfying "honk" when you close it.
• Writes in space.
Read more: http://www.esquire.com/the-side/ipad-3-rumors-5324987#ixzz1iPOBMKS2